Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Best Quote I Heard All Day
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. --Peter De Vries

A paperless environment will never be a reality. People need to wrap their hands around their reading material. And mounds of paper on one’s desk is an instant, albeit often bogus, raison d’etre.

I pile, therefore I produce.

Yeah, sure.

Saratoga Saga or Whatever
The time spent in Saratoga Springs over New Year’s with John’s friends Mitch and Emily Markowitz was just great. Emily is an excellent knitter, and it was nice to sit with her in the living room and knit, while Mitch and John played their guitars in the basement and the Markowitz boys, Owen and Zach, took naps.

I needed the time away. And being with John was the best. So now I’m rested and I’m ready.

If U Cn Rd This, U Cn Knt & Rd Kntg Ptrns
As much as I go on about KnitDweebs, those who know me well know that I have great affection and patience for beginning knitters. The aforementioned Emily has a friend, Lisa, who is just learning to knit and ran into problems while I was visiting. I was more than happy to help her, but was totally pissed off when I found out what Lisa had been unwittingly talked into making by a supposedly knowledgeable yarn shop owner.

How about making short-rowed booties as a first project, when you can just about handle knitting and purling? And don’t yet know how to bind off? Please. To make matters worse, the yarn shop owner had photocopied the bootie pattern from someone else’s book AND then closed the shop for two weeks during the holidays, leaving Lisa with no help. She was totally confused by the directions, although she did make a valiant stab at knitting the booties.

Emily and I found Lisa a nice but simple cabled pullover pattern to make. I told her to forget the fucking booties and forget that yarn shop. Fortunately, there are other shops in the area.

Sometimes I think some yarn shop owners should be licensed by the state. Or worse. If I knew the name of Lisa’s yarn shop, I’d go up there and make a citizen’s arrest.

Christmas Crapalong Runners-Up
Finally, the other contestants, as promised. I think Nanette, Treva, and Teri acquitted themselves admirably. My only disappointment was that the Tiny Diva didn’t have time to enter. I can think of any number of her designs that might have won, too. Re-creating her David Letterman jiffy piece of crap in holiday colors certainly would have won her a runner-up spot, don’t you think? Here’s Nanette’s entry.

As she wrote, “Here's my contest submission titled "Trash Bag Christmas Stocking." It was knit with two different color trash bags ripped into 1 inch wide strips using size 4 dpns. I winged it design wise but I used the snowflake chart from the tiny Christmas stockings in the books Socks, Socks, Socks. I used the knitter's handiest substance, duct tape, to spell out Noel at the top of the stocking. It is photographed on top of my trash can where it belongs. Or is that in the trash can??”

Mmmm, tasty.

Treva’s submission was equally, um, worthy of KnitDweebKnitting.

“This is a handy dandy ditty bag that can be gifted to practically
anyone. It can be used for a cell phone case, a soap scrubby thingy, and since it's cold season it's the perfect size for those little packages of tissues.”

Just the kind of project Knitter’s would love for one of their hideous gift-themed issues.

Teri’s submission was, to be honest, almost too appealing to be considered crap and therefore was eliminated from consideration immediately. Well, the yarn is crap. There’s always that.

“For the Xmas Crap-Along Contest I humbly submit:
Eine Klein(e) Nacht Cap! Settle down for a long winter’s nap in the luscious acrylicness of Red Heart Classic, mothproof, shrink-proof, colorfast, non-allergenic, worsted weight/4 ply.”

In the scheme of crap, they're all winners. Or losers.

New Year’s Resolutions
I don’t need no steenkin’ resolutions. I either do something or I don’t. I’m more interested in long-term and short-term planning, either or both of which can be done at any time.

Short-term plans include finishing the Queen Anne’s Lace and the Forest Path Stole by June or so. I’ve just started working on a Fair Isle chart, which I call Rainbow Peeries, which segues nicely into my long-term plans of publishing my designs.

It’s looking more and more likely that I will sell my designs from the blog, simply because that’s what’s expedient. The first to go up for sale will be the gansey from last year. I’m mulling over some other designs that will be quicker and simpler, probably. But the Rainbow Peerie Fair Isle will be the major design for the year, I think, depending upon the swatches and whether I like any of them or not.

Am I going to do an online newsletter or magazine? Maybe. I’m not sure I want to give up the blog at this point. I would not do both. If I do something online, I will rely on my Brain Trust (and you know who you are) to aid and abet me.

Bizarro Links for January
They will be up on the weekend—there was a tie, remember? I have to e-tramp around and see where the fuck I put those two links. Having two e-mail addresses sometimes wreaks havoc with my sense of order.

Trial of the Century
I do love a good overly hyped celebrity trial. And I’m itching to watch the Crafty Pride of Nutley, NJ, Ms. Martha Stewart, justify her stock shenanigans. I've never forgiven her for that schlocky TV episode where she conned Melanie Falick into doing her knitting dirty work. But as anyone with half a brain knows, Martha simply hires whatever expert she needs for her show. God forbid that she learns how to do it herself.

Martha, rare and handy? Not a fucking chance.

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