Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Jersey Shore Knittin' Guidettes

It’s just a big ball of f*ckness. That’s a new word: f*ckness.--Snooki

Do you ever watch "Jersey Shore"? No, this Jersey girl couldn't be bothered since most of the cast supposedly comes from Long Island, Staten Island, and the city. But I do like Snooki's quote--I've knitted with plenty of big balls of fuckness.

If you're going to the beach, how do you say it if you're from Jersey? "Goin' down the shore."

So I think, with apologies to Debbie Macomber, who is not a Jersey girl, that I'd read a book or watch a series called "Jersey Shore Knittin' Guidettes." In fact, I've come up with the characters, a group of Jersey skanks who live the over-the-top life. And steal yarn when possible.

Hoodi--Runs a knitting kiosk on the boardwalk at Seaside Heights. Hoodi hides her Jersey big hair under a knitted cotton sweatshirt, teaches her customers how to pick up stitches using their nails, and was recently arrested for stabbing her boyfriend Woodie in the crotch with a #7 straight needle while threatening to garrote him with the matching circ.

StellaBaby--Hoodi's younger sister, who insists on crocheting granny squares, much to Hoodi's annoyance. StellaBaby flogs her crocheted afghans at the bar across the way from Hoodi's kiosk, selling them to teenagers who need coverups for under-the-boardwalk luv sessions.

Nicoretta--Hoodi's best friend, who refuses to knit anything other than Red Heart. Nicoletta worked at the local WalMart until she was fired for stealing boxes of Fun Fur.

Scudetta--StellaBaby's boyfriend, who loves to knit, hates crocheting, but as a straight dude, is terrified that Hoodie will "out" him to his coworkers at the fire department. Scudetta keeps his sock knitting hidden in his NY Yankees sports bag, sneaking a stitch or two alone in the locker room.

Mama Cawfee--Hoodi and StellaBaby's grandmother, a former madame who raised the girls and has retired, whiling away her time knitting and rocking on her porch, shrieking obscenities at passersby.

Fattie Hardbuckle--Grossly overweight, Fattie insists on knitting size 60 bikini bras from cotton, despite Hoodie's warning that the cotton will stretch when Fattie jumps into the water. Fattie is a pattern size vigilante, raiding yarn shops that only sell books with patterns for skinny broads. 

The Guidette Knitters--Hoodie's knitting crew, who frequent the arcades, jamming needles into the pinball machine coin slots to get beer money, throw yarn balls at the seagulls, and sit on the boardwalk benches with their knitting bags and Buds.

So, I think this has reality show potential. The antithesis of the Vogue Knitter. We're real people in Jersey, although not always rare and handy.

Just a quickie today. More next week, with the promised info on Android knitting apps.

Later, skanks.