And God bless us, everyone. Now gimme my presents.

The Christmas Crap-along Winner
Outstanding entries, all. However, the panel has voted and the winner is:

The Snowman Chair Cover by Shelley Monitor
"I was inspired by a bad mail order catalog that sold holiday chair covers and by the trend to link snowmen to the Christian holiday of Christmas and specifically to Jesus. I am baffled - was there a snowman in Bethlehem that I did not know about (a miracle indeed)? I like snowmen and they are a fun wintertime decoration. I just don't understand the need to slap a Jesus on it to make it more Christmas-like. Maybe it's an alarming trend of the Christians taking over Pagan holiday symbols - ha ha ha.

This should fit your requirements - it is made of wonderful Christmas Carons, fun fur and other crappy fibers obtained off of Ebay. I will admit I did have some of the yarns from an unfortunate scarf kit that I acquired but never knit."

Congratulations, Shelley--send me your snail mail address and I'll get your four skeins of Koigu out to you asap.

And now for the runners-up:

Ms. Schmatteh Claus by Michelene Russell
Fast, Fabulous, Fun and Frugal, Mrs. Schmatteh Claus showcases the yummy yarn goodness of Wal-Mart. Ten dollars and tinsel turn heads, and reflect headlights, in this frothy bit of holiday happiness!
Designed and photographed by Michelene Russell, modelled by Briana Russell.

Jingle Thong by Diane Shantz
Here's a little number I whipped up for the bosses' gag gift exchange. It is of 100% ack, with drapery trim and jingle bell embellishment. Yarn choice was important, as the nearly bulky, fuzzy, itchy yarn makes a nice component of the overall thongness of the thing. And let us not forget the wonderful glitter of the ack fur! The pattern came from the Knitty underwear issue, which I NEVER thought I would actually knit from. Go figure. My granddaughter was gracious enough to model for the photo, as none of the males in my house want anything to do with the darn thing. Anyway, it got lots of giggles while under construction, especially on the morning communter bus. (Now they *know* I'm certifiable!) I think the boss is chickening out of putting this fine piece of dreck in the gift exchange, but it was still worth the fun of knitting and laughing over it.

Christmas Stockings by Sara Hinz-Bridger

The stockings are made out of PURE Red Heart yarn.
Happy Holidays!!!

I thought these all were just the best. Full of smarmy yarny goodness, no? And getting your kid/granddaughter to model? I would have easily talked Liz into it, myself.

Thanks to all for their hard work and inspiration. It takes a lot of fortitude to knit with "yarns" such as these. Technically, a knit-along requires that everyone make the same thing. However, I can't see the Christmas Crap-along ever becoming quite that structured.

Silky Presents
My friend Ted Myatt, aka KnitterGuy, sent me these two absolutely beautiful silk wrist distaffs that he made from bombyx and mawata.

I can't tell you how touched and pleased I am with these. And I will use them while I bumble around with my spindle. Ted's gonna have to babysit me with spindle spinning, I think. But he is my spindle hero. And he Navajo-plyed these babies too. Jesus. Will I ever spin as fine as Ted?

And so, I need to get back to turning the rare and handy sauerbraten that's marinating in the fridge for tomorrow's dinner. We're having a real German dinner, as befits our heritage. So to all of you, from me and my whacked-out family,

MERRY CHRISTMAS! FROELICHE WEINACHTEN! JOYEUX NOEL! FELICE NAVIDAD
(God, what an awful song that was)

HAPPY HANUKAH!

HAPPY KWANZAA!

HAPPY SOLSTICE!

Did I forget anyone? Where's O'Reilly when you need him? Hey, Bill. Taking your fucking Christmas balls and have a happy holiday. Never mind. That was just sarcastic wit on my part.