Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Best Quote I Heard All Day
Being noticed can be a burden. Jesus got himself crucified because he got himself noticed. So I disappear a lot.--Bobby Zimmerman

No relation to Elizabeth. You know. The pump don't work 'cause the vandals took the handles.

All the knitting divas and divers should take a hint from Bob. He made music because it was in his soul. Not because he wanted to be a star. That's creativity. Celebrity has nothing to do with nothing other than ego.

Useless is the Word
Just been busy, is all. Busy reading these useless Christmas catalogs that have flooded my mailbox, that contain things like crank-up flashlights that you wouldn't give to anyone as a Christmas present. I read them all when I eat dinner (other than reading The Historian, a wonderful book, by the way). And busy actually knitting--the vest body is one pattern band away from being done. Pictures next weekend. I spent the past weekend doing other fun things and didn't feel like blogging.

Now, understand that my sister, Karen the Queen of Chaos, aka The Scrap Curmudgeon because she either can't think of anything more original or because she's fucking lazy, has decided that she must hunt down the fugliest knitted thing she can find at the local craft shows and bazaars and give it to me for Christmas.

The last time she tried to give me something tacky, it blew up in her face. She gave me a garden gnome as a housewarming present. I loved it. She thought I'd hate it.

Or perhaps she thinks that by gifting me with a set of fine Fun Fur coasters, she will get her ass published on the blog. Heh. She's probably right.

The best knitted gift I ever received was Bipolar Betty, created by my dear Carol. Betty has a place of honor in the curio cabinet. For those of you who don't remember Betty, here she is in all her glory:

Edvard Munch had to have been the inspiration for this.

Useless Gifts for Knitters
You know how I feel about these things. And it seems that the bigger the knitting market becomes, the more we get flooded with crap. Mind you, I'm a sucker for a nice knitting bag. But some of the knitting gifties I've seen in the magazines make me roll my eyes and spit phlegm.

Besides the light-up needles, here is my short list of knitting crap that no one needs ever buy me for Christmas.

  • That stupid sheep bag
  • Any item of clothing with a sheep on it (Dolores excluded)
  • Earrings that are a) balls of yarn; b) knitting needles; and c) spinning wheels
  • Garment labels that say "Made with love by Grammy"
  • Bumper stickers or license plate frames that say something idiotic like "I'm a Knitting Fool"
  • Anything that has "Knitting Goddess," "Knitting Diva" or "Knit Wit" on it
  • Anything that says "I Heart _______" on it
  • A mousepad with a sheep, a ball of yarn, or some old gramma-type knitting in a rocker

And Kar, don't get any smart ideas from this list or I'll fucking jam your paper down your throat and then die-cut it.

More Useless Christmas Knitted Shit
I always love to peruse the hideous Christmas sweaters to see which one is the worst. Here's my pick for this year.

Yeah, what would Jesus have knit? If He'd have knit this, then I guess I could do an intarsia diorama of my birth at Cornell Medical Center, with my mother in labor for 27 hours and my unbelievably prejudiced grandmother kissing a "Negro" in the elevator upon learning of my birth. (Grandma told that story to me every fucking birthday until I was 35, when she passed away).

But the sweater does have the prerequisite sheep, so essential to the Compleat KnitDweeb's wardrobe.

I have my knitting. I define it, it does not define me.

Time to get back to the comfy chair, watch mindless TV and knit. Tomorrow is another day at the valve factory--a far, far better place than the Slobvenian Mindfuck Management Company. I get Christmas week off, paid. How rare and handy is that, I ask you?

Postscriptum: Go to www.weffriddles.com. If you want to drive yourself fucking nuts, dive right in. And don't ask me for any answers. This is a journey akin to solving The Seventh Guest or Riven. You need brains, stamina, and a lot of coffee. Just sayin'.

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