Sunday, August 10, 2003

Best Quote I Heard All Day
"I'm so hungry. Where's the cheese donut?"
--Anna Nicole Smith

Forget Daryl Hannah.

I've got a better celebrity knitter...

Anna Nicole Smith
Nouveau Knitter and Skank Extraordinaire

Anna Nicole Smith in the Pink with her latest washcloth design

"I got a fucking needle stuck up my ass." Bleary-eyed Anna Nicole Smith loves to knit, even though she doesn't consider herself a "real" knitter. "I don't even know how to button my thongs. Bobby, you asshole, pull this needle outta my ass."

We met with Anna in her plushly pink mansion, as she was tossing skein after shocking pink skein onto her bed, trying to determine which colorway she would choose for her latest washcloth project.

"I make these little fucking squares, I need to wash my c*nt frequently an' I need to knit because Bobby says I'm a fat cow and feed my face too much." As she reached for her bowl of ice cream, we were astounded at the dexterity the actress/model displayed as she cast on and licked the sprinkles from her rapidly vanishing snack.

"Those fuckers in Celebrity Scarves make long squares. I make square squares. That's the difference between them and me.

"But they didn't want my washcloth design in their fucking book, so I'm going to market my exclusive line of Cootch Cloths by myself. Fuck them."

Anna's latest design is completely knit in pink eyelash. "I like the little feathery things between my legs, you know? And I make 'em REALLY wide so they fit just right."

And what's next from the Stitchin' Skank? You guessed it! Knitted thongs. "I'm bored with these fucking squares. Bobby, call Edith and order me a dozen balls of Zap. In pink, asshole. God."

As we left the bloated beauty dozing on her divan, skeins of yarn scattered strategically about her abundant figure, we wondered what will be next for the adventurous actress?

"I been knitting in the back of the limo,' she says. "I'm a real fuckin' designer, so go fuck yourselves, assholes."

Anna, knitting, and the back of a limo. Sounds like the sentiment of a "real" knitter, doesn't it?

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